Baby Smiles

I'm jumping ahead 10 weeks here; this story is too good to wait on.  I have more to share from our hospital stay and the first few weeks but I don't want to forget this moment.

When reading about all the different developmental delays Sloane will endure; one would never believe anyone who says smiling is the only milestone that happens on schedule...  I certainly didn't believe it for a second; that is until it happened last night. 

Earlier this week Sloane flashed me a little smile, just one quick smile.  I have a witness with Derek that she smiled.  He saw it from the side as she smiled at me.  We were both so thrilled!  I thought for sure she'd do it again but days passed and I couldn't get another smile out of her for the life of me.  I had given up inside, thinking "oh, it was a one time fluke or gas or something other than my reflection of a smile that caused her to react the same way too.  That idea changed last night. 

It was around 4:00am this morning and I could hear her in her crib beside our bed wrestling around.  She rarely cries at night; we hear her grunts and feet kicking around in the bed more that we ever hear a mutter much less a cry.  Anyway, diaper change first, then a bottle.  By 4:30 we were burping and praying she'd fall back asleep.  I try not to talk to her too much at night for fear she'll stir awake and then not go back to sleep at all (been there too many times).  This morning though, she decided all on her own to stay up and keep me company... I took her off my shoulder and looked at her.  She could see my face from the light of the closet in the bathroom.  I could see her looking deep into my eyes, waiting for me to say something.  I gave in... "Hi sweetie. You sure are awake Sloane!"  A few more "Hi's" and "What are you doing awake's" later and I had her full attention.  I smiled brightly at her and waiting for her to lift her head up and come face to face with me.  She raised one eyebrow and them beamed back at me with a "coo" and "gurgle".  I think she saw how startled and excited I was; she beamed again at me.  I thought for sure we were going to wake up Daddy (and Will) next to us.  Nope, it was just me and Sloane having a converstion and smiling at each other!  I think I received 4-5 big smiles and probably 5 minutes of conversation before I realized it was nearly 5:00am!  At that point I didn't care.  I sweeped her up in my arms for a big hug and plenty of love you's and kisses. 

We made our way downstairs but by then I could tell all that stimulation had worn her out... I held her for a little bit longer and savoured those moments.  My daughter smiled at me, she actually smiled.  She was happy and she smiled.  I'll forever remember those gums flashing a great big smile, knowing she loves me as much as I love her in that moment.  I understand that some things we're going to have to wait a little longer to celebrate; rolling over, crawling, walking, her first words... But to see a smile; the one emotion that lets you know she understands how hard you're working to please her and make her happy; this makes a parent's dream come true.  You love your children from the moment they're conceaved.  To see your child reciprocate that back to you is beyond words.  You're doing something right, you're doing a great job, and she knows it!  This is why I love being a Mommy.  This is what I have been waiting for my whole life. 

At first I was disappointed that she would "struggle" to meet these milestones in life.  Now I see that these milestones will be worth the wait.  She was worth the wait too. 

Our Story

Where to begin... I'll start out our story from the day Sloane was born.

Sloane's due date was July 27th.  She came a week earlier via c-section on July 20th. We were looking forward to this day; everything was all planned out; we made arrangements for Will to stay with his grandparents, we had everything packed and ready to go, it was great. Our last few hours as a family of 3 were spent at home just relaxing with Will. It was hard to believe then that this was Will's last moments as an only child! He was going to be a big brother today! He was so excited; more so because of our excitement but all the same he was ready to meet this little baby inside of me we had come call "Baby Sloane".

Sloane's birth was planned for noon that Friday (convenient for the doctor I told him... No fun for me who couldn't eat past midnight the night before!). When we got there, it sort of felt like I was checking into a hotel... "your room is right over here, please make yourself feel comfortable, put your bags over here"... but of course hotels don't give you hospital gowns to wear and hook you up to all sorts of monitors! Anyway, Derek, Will, and Derek's parents were all there with me and Sloane. Surgery was a little late as usual so we took pictures and chatted about what was about to happen. I was actually told by the nurse she was already causing contractions.  And here I am, the experienced mother of one already, you'd think I'd know what a contraction was.  I thought it was just Sloane trying to make herself more comfortable in there.  Nope, we were actually having contractions!  It's a good thing she was entering the world today... 

 

By about 12:45, they were ready to wheel us in. I went in by myself and got prepped for the spinal tap/epidural. This is my least favorite part about c-sections. I won't go into detail but the idea of lying on a table with your arms spread out with no ability to move your body below your chest makes you feel a bit vulnerable. Beached whale is all I kept thinking when I looked down the table at myself... Derek, Dr. Kaye and the rest of the crew joined in and we were ready to go. This c-section was actually a lot of fun, no threat of a baby in distress (like Will), no waiting 20 hours for her to come naturally (like Will), no night time delivery (like Will...). Piece of cake! I would ask Derek what they were doing and he would give me the play by play.  The nurse assisting me was letting me know everything was going great.  I could hear the doctors' conversations as they went about the work.  And then at 1:13PM Sloane was born! All 7lbs 3oz of her!  I heard the cry of our baby girl and my heart just melted.  It all happened so fast. Derek took a picture of the moment her head popped out.  She was here and poof, my tummy deflated like a flat tire!  I kissed Sloane and she and Derek made their way to the prep table directly to my left to get checked out.  They weren't but 6 feet away from me but I was twisting my head back to get a better look at her.  All I kept thinking was "We have a daughter!  We have a baby girl! " 

 

 

Knowing what I know now; I never would have thought that in an instant my world would come to a crashing halt, like a ton of bricks being dumped on my chest... Unbeknownst to me, the nurses were talking in code.  I wasn't paying any attention to them. I was riding on the high of giving birth.  Any mother knows what that feels like.  You just ran a marathon and won!  You did it; you nurtured a baby inside of you for 10 months and you did it!  Nurses talking in code means their doing a good job... The next thing we hear though are words that still ring in my ear... Dr. Kaye said "How does she look?". What? What do you mean how does who look?  What are you talking about? You're surely not talking about Sloane... I froze. Right then I knew. I knew something was wrong with her. The nurse taking care of Sloane stopped talking in code. "I can't tell if she has a heart murmur (stethoscope on Sloane's chest) but she has signs of Down syndrome"  Down syndrome... two words no parent is prepared to hear for the first time.  It's like a bomb went off in my ears.  I could hear the nurse talking (eyes and ears this, hands that... all the associations with a Down's baby) but all I was listening to was the voice in my head "no no no no no no no no... not my baby, please, please take it back!" I started to cry.  I turned to Derek and asked "What does she look like?" He was listening to the nurse and trying to understand exactly what going on... "What does she look like Derek?"  He turned to me and said three little words "She is beautiful..."  Those three little words should have been enough, they really should have been enough. I just burst into tears, I couldn't breathe I was crying so hard. My nurse quietly asked me if I knew.  I'm sure betweenthe tears and sobbing breaths she couldn't understand a word I was saying but I told her we thought there was a chance at 15 weeks she could have Downs but we ruled it out when the specialist told us her heart appeared ok and all her features appeared normal.  She was supposed to be ok, she was supposed to be fine.  I realized then we wanted so desperately for her to be normal, we just told ourselves what we wanted to hear... The specialist said "appeared" but we heard "100% OK". More tears poured... The nurse then asked me if I wanted something to calm me down.  I looked at Derek and all I could think was "is he feeling what I'm feeling? is he ok while I'm breaking down? is he disappointed in my sadness"  I told her yes and she said I might not remember anything after this. Like I'm going to be able to forget this...

My nurse whispered to Dr. Kaye and then Dr. Kaye reached over the screen and asked me "Are you sure you want me to tie your tubes?"  He looked over at Derek and looked back at me and said "It's permanent, so I just want you two to be sure you're done having any more children". Derek and I looked at each other and I could hear us both saying "Yes, we're sure. She's our last one. We're done."  There was no trying again to get it right.  What we didn't know then was that we did get it right.  She was perfect...

We were reassured her heart was ok by Sloane's nurse and Derek left with them so he could announce Sloane's birth to Will and his parents.

The following moments for me seemed like an eternity. I was alone. Alone in an operating room surrounded by strangers who just witnessed a not-so-pregnant woman having a nervous breakdown. I was alone with my nurse on the other side of this blue screen that shielded me from seeing the tubal ligation that was now taking place. She became my savior... She confided in me that she had twins once, a boy and a girl. The girl also had a disorder that took her life at a young age. She lived 8 days and in those 8 days they loved her with all their hearts. She was so special to them and Sloane would be special to us too. I needed that. I needed to know I wasn't alone, in that room and in this world. 

It's extremely hard to explain, especially if you haven't gone through it yourself.  There is a fear of being judged by those that don't have a clue what it feels like, who haven't walked in our shoes. Every time I thought of Sloane I cried. I cried for 4 days straight in the hospital. I cried a dozen times a day in the weeks that followed. I was crying for all sorts of reasons. Not just the sadness that overcame me but also for the joy in this life that has blessed us.  In the hospital, I couldn't talk about her or her Down syndrome without tears welling up in my eyes and a lump in my throat forming. My love for her is so deep and knowing that she'll be challenged her entire life brought me so much pain.  I have loved her from the moment I knew she was growing inside of me but I had pictured our daughter differently in my mind. Even though she was right there with me, lying on my chest sleeping, I felt like I wasn't given the baby I thought we deserved.  I felt so incredibly guilty for wanting her to be normal, our lives to be normal.  I wanted to rewind the clock and change the event that unfolded.  I mourned for the baby I lost the moment Dr. Kaye said "What does she look like?" Derek would try his best to console me. We tried so hard to console each other those first 4 days.  We tried to hide our emotions from the many people that entered our room... The guilt inside of me was so intense.  All I could think was I caused this, I gave this to her, it's all my fault... She didn't deserve this. It's just not fair... And what was I thinking, having a child at 40... Being Sloane's parent is a lifetime job and here I am having her at an age where I won't be around to take care of her her whole life! One of the reasons (among so many) we wanted another child was so Will wouldn't grow up alone.  The burden to take care of his parents wouldn't fall solely on his shoulders.  Now... not only does he have to take care of us; he has to take care of Sloane too... I look at this little boy who is so full of life and love for his little sister.  He loves her unconditionally and doesn't have a clue yet what his life is going to be like.  But in my heart I KNOW he's going to be the best big brother to his little sister.  God blessed us with such a wonderful little boy knowing that Sloane would be his little sister. Her protector, her mentor, her best friend. Derek and I feel blessed to have Sloane in our lives too. More importantly, she's blessed to have all of us to love and care for her and provide her with the best possible life. A chance to live life to the fullest. 

 

A dear friend gave me a better perspective on my faith in God. Instead of thinking God only gives us what we can handle; think of it as God will give you the strength to handle what you're given. Derek and I have been given not one but two special blessings.  I may not have imagined a little girl like Sloane as my daughter.  I know now that I can't imagine my life without her.